Sounds like a beautiful title for a poem or a short story, eh? Or maybe a long cozy novel; a blog post or a podcast? All of the above? Well today it’s going to be the title of my 1st blog post in a year and a ½. (or maybe more) Either way, the time has come. It’s been far too long and I need to open up. So here we go:
In the distance I can see the rain coming, I can smell it. It’s one of my favourite scents from mother earth; fresh rain. It’s getting louder as it approaches and usually, from my balcony I can tell how long until it reaches; 5 maybe 10 minutes. So, I take my time to pick up the cushions on the balcony so that they don’t get wet. It’s a dark cloud so I know it’s going to be a lot of rain. It’s getting closer and I now stand at the railing to await its arrival.
It has reached our tennis court now. So close so I wait. I wait and wait and wait and I notice that it isn’t getting any closer. I realize that for the 1st time in my life I am standing at the boarder of a rain cloud! It’s a rare experience but not impossible and today I am fortunate enough to get the opportunity to witness it. It is both beautiful and yet… sad.
As I stand at the boarder of a rain cloud looking over at the other side, I begin to contemplate my life. With all that I have been through these past 4 years, having lost my grandmother, then my dad and then just a mere 2 years later my mom, all to cancer. I’ve battled with my depression and anxiety, struggling with mental health, so close that I even almost lost the battle…. yet I am still here… Now, standing at the boarder of a rain cloud. My thoughts begin to drift…….and here I formed this short prose:
Do you believe in a Supreme Being? Whether it be God, Allah, Jah, Haile Selassie, Budda, Ishvaras, (Hindu personal Gods) various Greek Gods, The Universe itself or any other; science even? The Big Bang? Whichever it is that you, my lovely readers, believe in, I feel confident in saying that we can all agree that there IS a Supreme Being out there; something greater than us, the human race, that started/created our existence. Even if it is science and the “Big Bang,” even that is bigger than us.
What about life after death? Do you believe in that? Do you believe in angels and or demons? Communications from the different Gods, from loved ones passed or even The Universe itself speaking to us through its own language of energy? What do you guys think about or believe in with regards to that? I personally believe in God as our creator as well as The Universe having its own identity, but yet, still tied to our creator, God. I believe that God created the The Universe and that he speaks to us sometimes directly and sometimes through The Universe itself. I believe that God, The Universe, our ancestors and angels are all around us, always protecting and speaking to us. We just have to learn how to “tune in” to their frequencies and trust me, the messages that we will receive are nothing short of amazing.
So not everyone believes the same or even in any other religion/ belief systems and that’s O.K. Whatever the case may be, as long as we agree to disagree but most importantlyRESPECT what the other person believes and to NOT try & force feed and project our beliefs onto each other. Side Note:There is a difference between projecting/forcing vs teaching. Teaching is done with an open mind and acceptance that the person to whom we are teaching has the choice to reject our teachings and that’s ok.
I personally do not believe that any one God is superior to the other. But rather that there is ONE Supreme Being that exists in multiple formsdepending on different persons. I believe this because, just like children learn differently, we as adults have different ways of learning and understanding as well. I believe that these different forms of the Supreme Being come to us depending on a variety of things: Where were live, the times we were born, our cultures, of family, social exposure etc. At the end of it all, all messages speak to the same things: “Be kind to one another, love each other, respect each other, help those in need and lastly, your thoughts create your reality.” These messages are just shared through different forms of the singular Supreme Being. We were all created differently so why wouldn’t we all then learn differently and have different religions and different systems for sharing the same knowledge?
Over the past year and a half………..dang yes we 1/2 way through 2019 already to rass! (– Kiss mi granny! Whoi! mi cyan believe!) I have been on the journey of self discovery and finally “coming home to myself.” What I mean by this is that I have been going through life’s journey of discovering ME. It’s been one hell of a fabulous journey with, of course, both ups and downs and turn arounds! One of the things that I have learned was how to “tune in” to the radio of life, particularly to The Universe and receive the messages that it has been trying to send me over the years. I was simply unaware that it was trying to reach me. My Life’s Radio had not yet been programed to receive that frequency. I learned only recently, that, in order to receive the messages that The Universe was trying to send me I had to give up other frequencies that I had been listening to in order to make room for The Universe’s frequency. It also meant I had to learn some very hard lessons…. but … isn’t that life? Most people, like I was, are not willing to let go of the other radio stations/frequencies. But if we don’t let go of them, then we will never be able to receive these powerful messages! For me I believe it all started when I noticed dragonflies EVERYWHERE. Back in 2015 I started seeing them literally everywhere I went. I would see them while stopped in traffic, parking at the office (this happened EVERY SINGLE DAY) out in the yard, walking on Devon House property while getting ice-cream. You name it… I saw them there!
I have always been a very curious person and my thirst for knowledge has always been at my core. I’m that type of child who while at the dentist, with mouth wide open and the doctors in and out with tools, I would ask each time, what is that? What are you going to do?! Mind you I think that was more out of fear of Doctor Meeks and my cousin Tony but still I would ALWAYS be asking questions and reading books to learn as much as I could. I actually have a funny memory of my dad getting frustrated with me while helping me with my math homework. X=2. Y=5… OK but WHY? “It just does!” he shouted. I’m sure in the moment dad did not find it funny but looking back on it now I see the humor as I realized that that is just who I am. I always want to know more and understand as much as I can. With children it can be very frustrating to our parents and can cause some trauma to kids if their questions are obstructed. I can understand that, now as an adult, and now I am leaning into my courage to push the boundaries of things. It may piss of a few people but “suh it guh”. I have to stay true to myself. I don’t think there is anything wrong with asking questions at all. If my asking a question embarrasses you… sorreeeee… but there is knowledge I need to know and if you can’t provide the answers then I will ask someone else. Simple.
Anyhow, I say all that to say that recently, one morning something very interesting happened whilst sitting out on the balcony. I had woken at 5:30am and well, since my time slot to walk chip in the complex is 5:30 – 6:00 sharp which I would not make, I decided to use that hour and a half as time to get some journaling and reading in and to “tune in.” For some reason that morning, I got a strong message (or desire if you will) to select a particular book out of my library. Specifically the title: “Notes from the Universe” by Mike Dooley
Notes from the Universe. By Mike Dooley
I found it a bit strange that I was being told/compelled to select THIS title but I went with it anyway. I quietly took the book out of the cabinet and headed back out to the balcony. I sit down and don’t really pay it much attention at first but then I decide to open it and, instead of skipping over the “Thank you’s” and “Praises” for the book, I decide to read from the literal first page. People said a lot of great things about this book, a lot of “Thank You’s” and “Your messages spoke to me!” “These messages came at the perfect time!” etc. Then…. as I get to the last page of the “Praise for Mike Dooley’s Notes from the Universe” section I flip the page and what I see catches me totally off guard. I was utterly SHOCKED at what I saw on the dedication page. You know how most authors write: “For my wife X.” or “For my children xyz” Well, instead of that, I saw this: “For Amanda.” I could NOT believe my eyes! Out of ALL the names in the universe, of all the people in this man’s life that could have a totally different name…. but instead I saw my own! Nah Star! Dis ya Universe a lick mi lef right an centre wit di messages dem! Is this for real?!
My Name! Seriously???! WOW
I’ve had this book in my cabinet for a good couple of months now and never touched it except for when I was packing it away. There was some reason as to why I was compelled to take this book out of the cabinet and read it that morning. What the exact message was I’m not sure. Maybe it could just simply have been a test to see if I was still “tuned in.” Oh trust me God/Universe I’m fully tuned in! I hear you loud and clear!
Ever since picking up that book, and being blown away by seeing my name, I have just been feeling this strong connection to it. Even now as I type this I feel its energy compelling me to bring it close and keep it by my side. Maybe I’m crazy, maybe I’m reading too much into this but whatever, this feels right to me and I’m going with it. Believe what you wanna believe so long as it is your truth while still upholding the messages of love and honor to your brothers and sisters in this race of life.
So since then I have been opening the book at random (as instructed) and those who wrote to Mike telling him how “perfect the messages were” and how “their timing could not have been better”… well they are right. Every little Note from the Universe that I randomly opened the book to and read, has moved me in that moment. It’s simply crazy….. I’ll be keeping this one close…….
Lastly, when I continued through to the section called: “How you might use this book.” I see it speak to me yet again! How did it know that I’m a writer? lol OK Universe, I get the hint…. I’ve neglected the book I’m writing for too long….. I see what you did there…
Yes yes… I need to start working on my book again. I get the hint!
In closing I will leave you with it’s first message. One that just made me laugh. It seems The Universe has been trying to reach me all along… I just didn’t know until now.
Thats all for now guys.
-Crazy A (Maybe quite literally this time! hahaha)
The novel HURACAN, By Diana McCaulay, I have to say was honestly one of the best books I have read to date. Once I got started I could not put it down and when I had to (for work or sleep) I could not wait to start again! It’s a bit different from what I usually read and was the first book I read from a local (Jamaican) Author. Shameful I know, esp. since I’m trying to be one myself! Definitely need to read more from my Jamaican authors.
For me, Huracan was an absolutely BRILLIANT READ and I certainly did not want it to end, parts of me even wants a sequel! It opened my eyes to bits and pieces of our history (even though parts were fictional) and made me reflect on my own family history but most importantly on me, on how I behave and think. I’m proud to say that this is on the good side.
Yes you read that title right…. The Kingston & St. Andrew Municipal Council (K.S.A.C or K.S.A.M.C) in Jamaica has “ordered” (commanded) the citizens to “cease” (stop) feeding the homeless persons on the streets.
See the Public Notice below:
Ok so first, a Disclaimer: This is the most political response I have given when it comes to my blogs but please note that I am not against the K.S.A.M.C for doing this nor am I with any “BAN” against feeding the homeless.
Yesterday (March 27 2019) one of the most AMAZING THINGS happened to me! It was so unexpected, amazing and emotionally overwhelming all at once. My dad said “Hi!” to me yesterday in a huge and the most obvious way! It moved me to tears! (Of course)
So here is what happened, but first a back story: Sadly my aunt’s mom passed away suddenly on Wednesday morning from a sudden heart attack. It is a huge loss for her as they were very close. On top of that, it happened right in the middle of them moving house which had them already very overwhelmed to say the least.
That evening, my mom and I went over to see her and while we were there my aunt asked me to return some curtain rods that she had purchased but unfortunately did not fit the windows she had. I had no problem doing so and agreed to handle it for her.
So yesterday, even with car troubles, I made my way over across town (to barbican side for my Jamaican readers) to return the rods and get a refund. Also, I had previously spoken to my husband about doing a supermarket run. I would need cash to get fruits from road side vendors instead of in the supermarkets and we agreed that I would do that and he would handle the rest of the shopping list after work the next day. Great, no problem! To be honest I was actually glad for this because I did not feel like wearing a proper bra so I could go into a supermarket! Gosh man, sports bras are sooo comfy but they give that “Uni-Boob” look hahahaha
Anyhow, so off I went to return said rods and on the way back I spotted a road side vendor and decided to stop there. Now for my Jamaica readers, this was the triangle shaped bus stop on barbican road just before Liguanea avenue. The one that is also a flower spot and a drive by gallery on other days.
Now, I need you all to note that I NEVER stop there, this was a first. He was the first vendor I saw and I decided to stop and look. I pulled up and chatted with the vendor asking him what and what he had as I was looking for particular fruits. While talking to him through the window, as I normally do, I spotted some gorgeous Oh-ta-he-ti Apples! I told him I wanted some but then randomly decided to get out of the car and choose them for myself. (See link here to learn what oh-ta-he-ti apples are for those who do not know. There are not in any way similar to american apples but they are delicious!!!)
Another thing here to note guys, is that I NEVER usually get out the car when buying produce from the roadside! (It’s a safety thing) But this time I decided to do so.
So I get out and I start to go through and pick my fruits and man they were gorgeous. While I’m looking at the fruits and putting them into my bag, something makes me look down to a box the vendor had on the ground. What I saw had me shooketh! I froze.
In this box there were, what looked like, other fruits/veggies that he had, I assumed, ripening, (It’s a thing here in Jamaica that to ripen fruits we wrap them in newspaper…. weird… yes I know, I don’t understand it either lol.) So anyways, I look down at this box with fruits wrapped in newspapers and I see my Dads face smiling back at me. It was his death announcement that was staring back at me and it was turned around too….facing me! My Dads huge mischievous and bright smile starring back at me! I could not believe it.
Dads death announcement seen in the middle.
Why is this so crazy? Well first of all, Dad passed away on November 8th 2018. Yesterdays date was March 27 2019, almost 5 months apart!!! Second, of all the newspapers inna di whola Jamaica, plus with the long stretch of time in between THIS WAS NO SILLY COINCIDENCE! I need you all to realize that all the events prior to this lead me to this exact moment. This was my dad speaking to me. DIRECTLY. No ifs, ands or buts about it! Now sure in previous posts I mentioned seeing numbers etc. and I do really fancy numerology and believe in signs and some of you may think that I’m reading too much into things etc. but guys, come on, THIS proves I’m not crazy!
Needless to say after seeing my dads face I was so caught off guard that I had actually gone silent and tears started to form in my eyes. I said aloud: “That’s my dad.. right there, this picture. It’s him!” I explained to the vendor that he had passed, coming up on, 5 months ago. I told him this is him speaking to me! I was so unbelievably moved.
I collected my fruits, paid the vendor and got into my car. I drove away crying all the way home. My dad reached out to me today….Directly. A message sent from him in heaven for me…. saying that he’s “always around.”
Think about this for a minute guys, if my aunt had not bought those rods, if we did not go and see her, if they had fit the windows, if she had not asked me to return them, if we didn’t need fruits and if I didn’t have the cash, and if the fruit vendor was not there, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!
It’s just crazy when you think back and connect the dots of events that lead you to a particular event like this did. Everything in life happens for a reason. Those reasons only become clear after the fact.
Now sure I’m not actively religious, though as of late I have become more spiritual, but even for the atheists out there… how can anyone NOT believe in a GOD, a supreme being, a universe that speaks to you, etc???! Just how? I firmly believe that there is a God, sure from my religious upbringing, but also now more than ever I believe that the spirit world exists and that they communicate with us!
But the story doesn’t end here. I reached home and after my bawl fest I managed to eat lunch. When I was finished eating, I casually picked up my phone to go on Facebook and saw I had a new notification. Nothing shocking…. or so I thought. It was a notification that someone had commented on a post of theirs that apparently I too had commented on. Now, it peaked my curiosity because this was a notification from someone who I am not friends with but it’s something Facebook does when you have mutual friends. I clicked on the post to see that it was something she had shared on a mutual friends wall that I too had commented on so hence the notification.
Here is where the communication continues guys. It was a post dedicated to those who had lost loved ones. This post was made back in 2015!!! What was the post? Take a look for yourself from the picture below and let the 1st 4 lines sit with you a moment….
The first 4 lines!!! Oh my goodness, obviously I started bawling once more! My dad was telling me that he reached out to me ON PURPOSE! I was at a loss for words and I just started crying all over again for the next 45 mins. Like Kim Kardashian UGLY crying!
I am beyond grateful to have had this experience. It was a rough one but also amazing as well. Everyday I think of and miss my dad. Why, just the other day I started crying randomly because I had a video of our new Echo dot set up to turn on and off the lights just by asking Alexa to do so. After watching the video I immediately thought: “My dad would love to see this! He would think it’s really cool” And then came the tears as I remembered I could not show it to him. As I cried I could picture seeing his reaction to the video and hearing his voice: “Rah!”
So yea, that’s it for now. I had to share this amazing experience with you guys. I’m sure you are all pretty stunned by all of this, have gotten chills even. This sort of thing, even though it was rough emotionally for me, was absolutely amazing. Sure it rips your heart out when we lose a loved one, but it’s moments like these that makes living on without them a little less painful.
Well it’s been 2 months now, since Dads been gone. There isn’t a day I don’t think about him and the fact that he is gone still hits me. I know it will for a while. When I remember that he is gone I’m immediately taken back to the day and time of his last breaths. The sound of the liquid in his lungs as his body struggles to breathe properly still plays in surround sound in my head. I can see everything as it was. I don’t quite remember what I was wearing but I have a feeling when I put it on next it might hit me. The mind is funny like that.
I have his chain that he used to wear. The one with a small pulley on it. It was always the only chain that he wore. He had 2 in his lifetime as the original one was lost at sea, funny how that happens.
The first chain, I’m assuming, was one with a propellor on it (see pic below). I don’t remember this chain at all but he has it on in the photo of him and my God Father, Uncle Mally. It’s funny, I remember years ago when I first saw this picture of Dad I knew that this would be how I will remember him. In it, he has grabbed his best friend tightly around the neck and has the hugest of laughs. That was a big part of my Dad, his huge laugh, that he always did whenever he found something absolutely hilarious. I can hear it now… I’m sure those of you who knew him can hear it now too. I hear it every time I see a photo of him laughing.
Recently an aunt of mine shared a video with me via What’s App. It was the song: “Beautiful Day ” by Jermaine Edwards. A local artist. Son of a pastor.
She shared this video with me one morning randomly after my fathers recent passing. I listened to the song for the 1st time and had to stop it immediately after hearing the 2nd line: “Many people died and never saw this day.” I immediately thought about my dad and started crying.
Eventually though, I listened to the song in full, letting the tears come if they did, and slowly but surely I fell in love with the song. This song is so up-lifting. It always brings a smile to my face and a beat to my feet. I have now made it a part of my morning routine where I play it loud on my balcony as I look out and take in the view… And everyday is truly “A Beautiful Day.”
Something that makes me feel so good I knew I had to share with you all. So here, I’m sharing the direct youtube link to the video with you so that you can listen to it and hopefully love it as much I as I do. (I’m unable to upload the actual video here in the post)
My favorite part is: “Thank you for sunshine, Thank you for rain. Thank you for Joy, Thank you for pain…..” Everything that happens to us, GOOD & BAD help to shape us and I’m grateful for it all.
Thursday was the 1 month mark (day wise) of my Father’s passing. Saturday will be the date mark as he passed on Nov 8, 2018. I can’t believe how 1 month has come around so quickly. Time is something we usually take for granted until a significant event happens that makes us become aware of each passing second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year.
Every morning since my father left us, my first thought in my head as I wake up is: “My dads gone…” Everyday I go through a range of emotions but I’m happy to say that fairly soon after he passed I reached the “Happy” stage of grief. Strange I know…. I was/ still am a bit concerned about it, but at the same time I accept it and go through it because it feels good to be happy. Maybe I’ll have another breakdown in future and that’s ok too. I’ve learned to accept whatever emotion comes and to not hide them. If I am happy I will BE happy in the moment, for as long as it lasts. If sadness comes, I’ll ride out the wave of tears. I’m not embarrassed to cry in public. Real emotions are rarely ever seen and that’s a shame. Sure I avoid my triggers if I can but if I can’t so be it.
When people tell me that I’m so strong having gone this all this ordeal, (you’ll learn just how much in a paragraph further down) I respond by saying: “I don’t know how.” because honestly I didn’t know. A friend of mine said: “It’s cuz you HAD to be,” and I realized she is right. I had to be strong for my family. For my mom and my Step mom. When I wondered to myself as to how comes I am being strong through it all I realized that it feels as if my dads love for life, happy, jovial and always smiling spirit infiltrated mine. And that is such a wonderful thing to feel!!! You see, I struggle with depression and have for many, many years. As far back as childhood. But it’s funny how sometimes things happen unexpectedly and without explanation like me feeling at peace after my fathers passing. Sure there are days where I feel distraught and tears just pour out until I’m hiccuping like a 5yr old (lol) but over all I can safely say I have not had a seriously depressive thought since my dad passed. I literally look forward to EVERY NEW DAY! When I see signs of him around I smile. I look at pictures and I smile. Sometimes I tear up and that’s ok, but I smile through it all.
This, That & Anything Else! 