Well it’s been 2 months now, since Dads been gone. There isn’t a day I don’t think about him and the fact that he is gone still hits me. I know it will for a while. When I remember that he is gone I’m immediately taken back to the day and time of his last breaths. The sound of the liquid in his lungs as his body struggles to breathe properly still plays in surround sound in my head. I can see everything as it was. I don’t quite remember what I was wearing but I have a feeling when I put it on next it might hit me. The mind is funny like that.
I have his chain that he used to wear. The one with a small pulley on it. It was always the only chain that he wore. He had 2 in his lifetime as the original one was lost at sea, funny how that happens.
The first chain, I’m assuming, was one with a propellor on it (see pic below). I don’t remember this chain at all but he has it on in the photo of him and my God Father, Uncle Mally. It’s funny, I remember years ago when I first saw this picture of Dad I knew that this would be how I will remember him. In it, he has grabbed his best friend tightly around the neck and has the hugest of laughs. That was a big part of my Dad, his huge laugh, that he always did whenever he found something absolutely hilarious. I can hear it now… I’m sure those of you who knew him can hear it now too. I hear it every time I see a photo of him laughing.
Thursday was the 1 month mark (day wise) of my Father’s passing. Saturday will be the date mark as he passed on Nov 8, 2018. I can’t believe how 1 month has come around so quickly. Time is something we usually take for granted until a significant event happens that makes us become aware of each passing second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year.
Every morning since my father left us, my first thought in my head as I wake up is: “My dads gone…” Everyday I go through a range of emotions but I’m happy to say that fairly soon after he passed I reached the “Happy” stage of grief. Strange I know…. I was/ still am a bit concerned about it, but at the same time I accept it and go through it because it feels good to be happy. Maybe I’ll have another breakdown in future and that’s ok too. I’ve learned to accept whatever emotion comes and to not hide them. If I am happy I will BE happy in the moment, for as long as it lasts. If sadness comes, I’ll ride out the wave of tears. I’m not embarrassed to cry in public. Real emotions are rarely ever seen and that’s a shame. Sure I avoid my triggers if I can but if I can’t so be it.
When people tell me that I’m so strong having gone this all this ordeal, (you’ll learn just how much in a paragraph further down) I respond by saying: “I don’t know how.” because honestly I didn’t know. A friend of mine said: “It’s cuz you HAD to be,” and I realized she is right. I had to be strong for my family. For my mom and my Step mom. When I wondered to myself as to how comes I am being strong through it all I realized that it feels as if my dads love for life, happy, jovial and always smiling spirit infiltrated mine. And that is such a wonderful thing to feel!!! You see, I struggle with depression and have for many, many years. As far back as childhood. But it’s funny how sometimes things happen unexpectedly and without explanation like me feeling at peace after my fathers passing. Sure there are days where I feel distraught and tears just pour out until I’m hiccuping like a 5yr old (lol) but over all I can safely say I have not had a seriously depressive thought since my dad passed. I literally look forward to EVERY NEW DAY! When I see signs of him around I smile. I look at pictures and I smile. Sometimes I tear up and that’s ok, but I smile through it all.