My Story

This is My Story.

This is My Journey.

It is a Hero’s Story.

It is a Hero’s Journey.



Along my journey of life, my trust was stolen in the darkness of night.

Taken from me at a moment when I could not put up a fight.


On this journey I encountered many obstacles,

Obstacles such as critics.

These critics were: my own thoughts of self blame,

And of people who forced my silence to remain.


But as I continued along my journey, pushing past these obstacles, I discovered my guides.

My guides are Spiritual Leaders & they come in the form of Dragonflies.

My Spiritual Leaders guide me through my journey & teach me self love.

They help me to learn acceptance & forgiveness.

Acceptance for my trust being stolen.

Forgiveness & love for myself.

Forgiveness for who stole my trust.


My Spiritual Guides help me to reach my destination.

My destination is to be free, free to be me.

Free to tell my story so that I can become a Leader.

A Leader for those who have traveled along a similar path as one such as my own.



This is MY STORY.


It is a Hero’s story.

It is a Hero’s journey.

I AM the HERO of my story.

I AM the HERO of my journey.



-Crazy A

“Mawning pickney!”

Yesterday (March 27 2019) one of the most AMAZING THINGS happened to me! It was so unexpected, amazing and emotionally overwhelming all at once. My dad said “Hi!” to me yesterday in a huge and the most obvious way! It moved me to tears! (Of course)

So here is what happened, but first a back story: Sadly my aunt’s mom passed away suddenly on Wednesday morning from a sudden heart attack. It is a huge loss for her as they were very close. On top of that, it happened right in the middle of them moving house which had them already very overwhelmed to say the least.

That evening, my mom and I went over to see her and while we were there my aunt asked me to return some curtain rods that she had purchased but unfortunately did not fit the windows she had. I had no problem doing so and agreed to handle it for her.

So yesterday, even with car troubles, I made my way over across town (to barbican side for my Jamaican readers) to return the rods and get a refund. Also, I had previously spoken to my husband about doing a supermarket run. I would need cash to get fruits from road side vendors instead of in the supermarkets and we agreed that I would do that and he would handle the rest of the shopping list after work the next day. Great, no problem! To be honest I was actually glad for this because I did not feel like wearing a proper bra so I could go into a supermarket! Gosh man, sports bras are sooo comfy but they give that “Uni-Boob” look hahahaha

Anyhow, so off I went to return said rods and on the way back I spotted a road side vendor and decided to stop there. Now for my Jamaica readers, this was the triangle shaped bus stop on barbican road just before Liguanea avenue. The one that is also a flower spot and a drive by gallery on other days.


Now, I need you all to note that I NEVER stop there, this was a first. He was the first vendor I saw and I decided to stop and look. I pulled up and chatted with the vendor asking him what and what he had as I was looking for particular fruits. While talking to him through the window, as I normally do, I spotted some gorgeous Oh-ta-he-ti Apples! I told him I wanted some but then randomly decided to get out of the car and choose them for myself. (See link here to learn what oh-ta-he-ti apples are for those who do not know. There are not in any way similar to american apples but they are delicious!!!)

Another thing here to note guys, is that I NEVER usually get out the car when buying produce from the roadside! (It’s a safety thing) But this time I decided to do so.

So I get out and I start to go through and pick my fruits and man they were gorgeous. While I’m looking at the fruits and putting them into my bag, something makes me look down to a box the vendor had on the ground. What I saw had me shooketh! I froze.

In this box there were, what looked like, other fruits/veggies that he had, I assumed, ripening, (It’s a thing here in Jamaica that to ripen fruits we wrap them in newspaper…. weird… yes I know, I don’t understand it either lol.) So anyways, I look down at this box with fruits wrapped in newspapers and I see my Dads face smiling back at me. It was his death announcement that was staring back at me and it was turned around too….facing me! My Dads huge mischievous and bright smile starring back at me! I could not believe it.

Dads death announcement seen in the middle.

Why is this so crazy? Well first of all, Dad passed away on November 8th 2018. Yesterdays date was March 27 2019,  almost 5 months apart!!! Second, of all the newspapers inna di whola Jamaica, plus with the long stretch of time in between THIS WAS NO SILLY COINCIDENCE! I need you all to realize that all the events prior to this lead me to this exact moment. This was my dad speaking to me. DIRECTLY. No ifs, ands or buts about it! Now sure in previous posts I mentioned seeing numbers etc. and I do really fancy numerology and believe in signs and some of you may think that I’m reading too much into things etc. but guys, come on, THIS proves I’m not crazy! 

Needless to say after seeing my dads face I was so caught off guard that I had actually gone silent and tears started to form in my eyes. I said aloud: “That’s my dad.. right there, this picture. It’s him!” I explained to the vendor that he had passed, coming up on, 5 months ago. I told him this is him speaking to me! I was so unbelievably moved.

I collected my fruits, paid the vendor and got into my car. I drove away crying all the way home. My dad reached out to me today….Directly. A message sent from him in heaven for me…. saying that he’s “always around.”

Think about this for a minute guys, if my aunt had not bought those rods, if we did not go and see her, if they had fit the windows, if she had not asked me to return them, if we didn’t need fruits and if I didn’t have the cash, and if the fruit vendor was not there, NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED!!

It’s just crazy when you think back and connect the dots of events that lead you to a particular event like this did. Everything in life happens for a reason. Those reasons only become clear after the fact.

Now sure I’m not actively religious, though as of late I have become more spiritual, but even for the atheists out there… how can anyone NOT believe in a GOD, a supreme being, a universe that speaks to you, etc???! Just how? I firmly believe that there is a God, sure from my religious upbringing, but also now more than ever I believe that the spirit world exists and that they communicate with us!

But the story doesn’t end here. I reached home and after my bawl fest I managed to eat lunch. When I was finished eating, I casually picked up my phone to go on Facebook and saw I had a new notification. Nothing shocking…. or so I thought. It was a notification that someone had commented on a post of theirs that apparently I too had commented on. Now, it peaked my curiosity because this was a notification from someone who I am not friends with but it’s something Facebook does when you have mutual friends. I clicked on the post to see that it was something she had shared on a mutual friends wall that I too had commented on so hence the notification.

Here is where the communication continues guys. It was a post dedicated to those who had lost loved ones. This post was made back in 2015!!! What was the post? Take a look for yourself from the picture below and let the 1st 4 lines sit with you a moment….


The first 4 lines!!! Oh my goodness, obviously I started bawling once more! My dad was telling me that he reached out to me ON PURPOSE! I was at a loss for words and I just started crying all over again for the next 45 mins. Like Kim Kardashian UGLY crying!

I am beyond grateful to have had this experience. It was a rough one but also amazing as well. Everyday I think of and miss my dad. Why, just the other day I started crying randomly because I had a video of our new Echo dot set up to turn on and off the lights just by asking Alexa to do so. After watching the video I immediately thought: “My dad would love to see this! He would think it’s really cool” And then came the tears as I remembered I could not show it to him. As I cried I could picture seeing his reaction to the video and hearing his voice: “Rah!”

So yea, that’s it for now. I had to share this amazing experience with you guys. I’m sure you are all pretty stunned by all of this, have gotten chills even. This sort of thing, even though it was rough emotionally for me, was absolutely amazing. Sure it rips your heart out when we lose a loved one, but it’s moments like these that makes living on without them a little less painful.


“I love you dad.”                                                                                                                                   “I love you three…..”


-Crazy A

To My Step-mom Sanchia


Dear Sanchia

With dad:
You were always there right by his side,
Ready to help taking it all in stride.
Whatever the need may have been,
You gave him your all and dived right in.
You gave so much of yourself, so unselfishly,
It makes me think of the person I want to be.


You were his shinning light,
Down to the day his soul took flight.
I want you to know though,
That you are never alone.
For when you cry I cry,
No matter how hard I try.
I can feel your tears you see,
As if they flow through me.


The love you gave dad throughout the years,
Tells me of the load that your soul now bears.
But no matter what the future may bring,
I want you to remember one last thing:
Dads soul is now set free,
Sailing away across the sea.
To you my dear Sanchi,
Forever grateful I shall be.


Love, Panda Rose




-Crazy A

My Dad: Ian “Gibbo” Gibson (Part 1)

Screenshot 2018-12-07 15.03.15
Ian “Gibbo” Gibson

Thursday was the 1 month mark (day wise) of my Father’s passing. Saturday will be the date mark as he passed on Nov 8, 2018. I can’t believe how 1 month has come around so quickly. Time is something we usually take for granted until a significant event happens that makes us become aware of each passing second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year.

Every morning since my father left us, my first thought in my head as I wake up is: “My dads gone…” Everyday I go through a range of emotions but I’m happy to say that fairly soon after he passed I reached the “Happy” stage of grief. Strange I know…. I was/ still am a bit concerned about it, but at the same time I accept it and go through it because it feels good to be happy. Maybe I’ll have another breakdown in future and that’s ok too. I’ve learned to accept whatever emotion comes and to not hide them. If I am happy I will BE happy in the moment, for as long as it lasts. If sadness comes, I’ll ride out the wave of tears. I’m not embarrassed to cry in public. Real emotions are rarely ever seen and that’s a shame. Sure I avoid my triggers if I can but if I can’t so be it.

When people tell me that I’m so strong having gone this all this ordeal, (you’ll learn just how much in a paragraph further down) I respond by saying: “I don’t know how.” because honestly I didn’t know. A friend of mine said: “It’s cuz you HAD to be,” and I realized she is right. I had to be strong for my family. For my mom and my Step mom. When I wondered to myself as to how comes I am being strong through it all I realized that it feels as if my dads love for life, happy, jovial and always smiling spirit infiltrated mine. And that is such a wonderful thing to feel!!! You see, I struggle with depression and have for many, many years. As far back as childhood. But it’s funny how sometimes things happen unexpectedly and without explanation like me feeling at peace after my fathers passing. Sure there are days where I feel distraught and tears just pour out until I’m hiccuping like a 5yr old (lol) but over all I can safely say I have not had a seriously depressive thought since my dad passed. I literally look forward to EVERY NEW DAY! When I see signs of him around I smile. I look at pictures and I smile. Sometimes I tear up and that’s ok, but I smile through it all.

Continue reading “My Dad: Ian “Gibbo” Gibson (Part 1)”

Morning Walks

Birds chirping, bees buzzing,
The leaves of palm trees clapping.

Bushes rustling, nightengales singing,
Little grass twits fluttering.

Trees swishing, little toads whistling,
Noisy woodpeckers knocking.

Chippie’s feet pitter-patting, my flip flops clip-clopping.

This is the soundtrack of our early walks, in the sweet n cool December morning.


-Amanda Lazarus (Crazy A)

A Rose in the Desert

Hey guys,

Here is another poem for you. This is a motivational one.

Don’t give up on anything! Remember, even though sometimes it may be hard, that everything comes in time. You are strong my followers… Your are strong!


A Rose in the Desert


There is a lonely rose dying in the desert,

Waiting for the rain to come.

Day after day, watching the clouds go by bringing no rain.

Its leaves begin to curl each day, more and more until they can hold on no longer.

They fall gently to the ground, swaying back and forth.

It has used up all its earthly resources, but now the earth below is dry and cracked.

Still, that little rose continues to hold out its beautiful bloom.

Continue reading “A Rose in the Desert”