Well it’s been 2 months now, since Dads been gone. There isn’t a day I don’t think about him and the fact that he is gone still hits me. I know it will for a while. When I remember that he is gone I’m immediately taken back to the day and time of his last breaths. The sound of the liquid in his lungs as his body struggles to breathe properly still plays in surround sound in my head. I can see everything as it was. I don’t quite remember what I was wearing but I have a feeling when I put it on next it might hit me. The mind is funny like that.
I have his chain that he used to wear. The one with a small pulley on it. It was always the only chain that he wore. He had 2 in his lifetime as the original one was lost at sea, funny how that happens.
The first chain, I’m assuming, was one with a propellor on it (see pic below). I don’t remember this chain at all but he has it on in the photo of him and my God Father, Uncle Mally. It’s funny, I remember years ago when I first saw this picture of Dad I knew that this would be how I will remember him. In it, he has grabbed his best friend tightly around the neck and has the hugest of laughs. That was a big part of my Dad, his huge laugh, that he always did whenever he found something absolutely hilarious. I can hear it now… I’m sure those of you who knew him can hear it now too. I hear it every time I see a photo of him laughing.
Thursday was the 1 month mark (day wise) of my Father’s passing. Saturday will be the date mark as he passed on Nov 8, 2018. I can’t believe how 1 month has come around so quickly. Time is something we usually take for granted until a significant event happens that makes us become aware of each passing second, minute, hour, day, week, month and year.
Every morning since my father left us, my first thought in my head as I wake up is: “My dads gone…” Everyday I go through a range of emotions but I’m happy to say that fairly soon after he passed I reached the “Happy” stage of grief. Strange I know…. I was/ still am a bit concerned about it, but at the same time I accept it and go through it because it feels good to be happy. Maybe I’ll have another breakdown in future and that’s ok too. I’ve learned to accept whatever emotion comes and to not hide them. If I am happy I will BE happy in the moment, for as long as it lasts. If sadness comes, I’ll ride out the wave of tears. I’m not embarrassed to cry in public. Real emotions are rarely ever seen and that’s a shame. Sure I avoid my triggers if I can but if I can’t so be it.
When people tell me that I’m so strong having gone this all this ordeal, (you’ll learn just how much in a paragraph further down) I respond by saying: “I don’t know how.” because honestly I didn’t know. A friend of mine said: “It’s cuz you HAD to be,” and I realized she is right. I had to be strong for my family. For my mom and my Step mom. When I wondered to myself as to how comes I am being strong through it all I realized that it feels as if my dads love for life, happy, jovial and always smiling spirit infiltrated mine. And that is such a wonderful thing to feel!!! You see, I struggle with depression and have for many, many years. As far back as childhood. But it’s funny how sometimes things happen unexpectedly and without explanation like me feeling at peace after my fathers passing. Sure there are days where I feel distraught and tears just pour out until I’m hiccuping like a 5yr old (lol) but over all I can safely say I have not had a seriously depressive thought since my dad passed. I literally look forward to EVERY NEW DAY! When I see signs of him around I smile. I look at pictures and I smile. Sometimes I tear up and that’s ok, but I smile through it all.
It was a bitter sweet moment when I came to the end of this amazing book. I was dying to finish it but at the same time when I did finish it, I wanted more. More of her hilarious stories. Man they had me bursting out loud while reading that I remember my dog looking up at me as if to say: “What the hell is wrong with this woman?!” lol
So here is a little back story…I learned of Krystal’s book on Women’s Day (March 8 2017) when, the best book store in town, (big up BOOKOPHILIA!) had featured her on their Instagram page. When I saw the book I knew immediately that I had to have it… I just KNEW I neeeeded it! LIKE NOW! I wanted to leave work and run to the store that very same moment but alas, I had to wait until 4:30pm. BUT! When the time finally came, I rushed over the to the store for my copy…. only to then be crushed…. “Like a banana under a cement trucks wheel” 😉 I was soo heart broken to learn that they didn’t actually have any copies of her book in stock at the moment… The post had mis-lead me… *Sigh* So I had to wait even longer to receive this book I knew I so badly needed.
After the crushing news, I immediately messaged Krystal on her Instagram page hoping that she would respond, but not expecting. At the time, I figured she would be too busy to respond to the likes of some random and overly zealous fan like me. Imagine, I hadn’t even read the book yet! (wait till I actually finished! HA!)
To my relief, and great surprise, she DID respond and man oh man was I happy! What made it even better is that she told me that she had sent SIGNED copies ANNNNDDDD that they had special quotes in them! OMG my excitement seriously just went up like 3 notches! I love quotes and I get to have a signed copy by her too??!! Yippiieeee!
Over the next few days, I stayed in touch with her and Bookophilia to find out when EXACTLY they got the books and can I tell you, the moment they had them I rushed to the store… in the middle of the work day, I didn’t give a crap. I NEEEDED that book like a fish needs water lol. That’s literally how I felt… Crazy much? lol meh that’s me and I love it. The store opens at 10:00am. I was there at 10:02am, ready to go through all their copies just so I could choose the quote that was best suited for me. I didn’t care if she had sent 10 copies or 100 copies I was going to go through them all! Luckily it was only 10 so I didn’t leave the office for too long lol.
Ok, so you may have clicked on this tab wondering “What on earth is a spoonie?” “Is this girl crazy?” Well … I am, – as my close friends would agree – to some extent lol Life would be boring otherwise! DUH!! We all gotta have a little crazy in us to get through this life.
Anyhow, on a serious note now, a “Spoonie” is a very special word. It may sound like some cutesy word but sadly it isn’t really a “cute” thing when you get to know what it is about. Sure it is a cute sounding word but really it is a way of referring to something that actually, is not so cute at all. A spoonie is someone who is sick… in my case with Fibromyalgia. It refers to anyone who suffers from any sort of disability or illness; whether it be fibro, down-syndrome, lupus or any physical alignment.
You see, the spoon theory was coined by this amazing lady Christine Miserandino. I will give you an overall gist of the spoon theory but it is best to read it from the original author so please check out her blog: But you don’t look sick
So I started typing out the spoon theory attempting to explain it step by step but realised it is much better understood by ready the original post about. However, I will try to summarise it as best as I can.
Christine and her friend were at a restaurant one day when her friend asked her what it was like to have lupus. She knew that this was the moment that she had to explain it otherwise it would be lost on her forever. She quickly grabbed all of the spoons on the table and even on the other tables as well in the restaurant and handed her friend a bouquet of spoons. Whether it was a bouquet of spoons, forks, knives etc is irrelevant as it just so happened to be the choice for the explanation.